Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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