if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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