At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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