Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
