Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
