There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
