I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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