So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
