Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
