Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He felt like a one man threesome
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
