The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
