The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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