just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
