Four minutes until I can fart!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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