it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
