I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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