i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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