Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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