Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
