i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
