3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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