You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
