i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
