If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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