Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
