dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
