Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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