I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
