Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
