someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
