worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
