The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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