Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
