There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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