I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Shame - the story of my life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
