I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
