Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
