He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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