hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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