What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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