The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
