I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
