I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
