Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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