I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
