On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
