There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
