They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
