I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
