OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
